Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Constitutionally incapable...

Today is a new day, a great opportunity to see where He has brought me. Reflecting upon my past I see clearly where I have been. I was awakened with words from "How it Works" from the Big Book of AA. It is the words that deeply resonate inside on me. Read the first few paragraphs, simple brilliance, descriptive of my life in Christ, not just in struggles defeating the demons of alcoholism. For those of you balking, substitute the word "sin."

I was consitutionally incapable of being honest with myself. I want to be blame others, parents, situations or many yea but's keeping me back from progress. That only left me in greater bondage of my past, paralyzing the present. The fact was I am not constitutionally incapable of being honest, I wanted to be. It was easier to wear concealer, avoiding who I really was, the pain that is real. I was empty, void and alone no one will understand. What happens when faced with a choice to be honest, I lacked confidence, the bondage of shame and fear prevented it. I asked myself questions like "what will they think of me?" Someone understands this thinking, it is not right, but they were my thoughts.

I will go as far as to say, my shame and unworthiness may never have changed if it had not been for people showing grace, over and over. There is no substitute for the Throne of Grace, however often you need someone to lead and tell you "He believes in you and so do I."
 I look at life now and know those struggles, I had never been equipped with confidence to be honest. Many people will never understand not being able to be honest, but there is someone who I can offer hope. If you ever encounter someone like me, be patient allow God's grace to fill that heart, you've got your own baggage! It may very well be the grace you give another person that is the turning point to their transformation. It will not be easy, but is it worth it! As I have heard it said, "speak life," we are all broken and defeated in need of a Savior. "There is no easier and softer way."